I found myself in the bathroom this morning at 2:00 am, freaking out that I may be going into labor. Although it was a false alarm (darn Turkey Tetrazzini!), I was surprised to realize how scared I am of this next step. You may not know this, but I had a wonderful pregnancy with Eden - even a fairly easy delivery. The events that followed are what haunt me... purple baby, life-flighted to another hospital, in the NICU for weeks.
Yes, we have been watched much closer this time and have no indication there will be any health complications, I would be insane not to wonder, right? More than wonder... I have lived the last 9 months in an emotional state that waivers from fear to anxiety to denial. However, "hope" is what I'd like to call it.
I am hopeful for the best possible scenario. I am hopeful for a baby that cries after delivery, that effortlessly takes it's first breath, and that settles onto my chest to feed. I pretend to care about things like the car seat and a Christmas birthday, but oh how I would fall in love with just good health.
If you're reading this... consider yourself "on call" for what will be in the coming days. I may need you more than you know. (But hopefully NOT)
4 comments:
OMG! I started sleeping with my phone by my bed last night, cause I just have this feeling your going to pop at any moment. Kera Jane, my dear sister, you are a wonderful mother!
Love,
Erin
As Eden's heart condition worsened over the months, I tried really hard not to worry ahead of what I knew until I had to - and succeeded sometimes. Everyone who has followed your family's journey (which is of course much larger than just Eden's heart) is thinking healthy baby thoughts with you. Soon the suspense will be over! Love, Susan
Eden looked at this picture and had a million questions... starting with "why is that poor baby in the hospital?". She has seen millions of these pictures of herself and I'm glad that she still doesn't remember.
So, I'm on my way tomorrow! I'm here (for once, actually HERE!) if you need anything at all! Love to you and thinking of you constantly... I know in my heart he/she is going to be perfect in every way, just like YOU! :)
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